Why I abruptly dismantled the EAR / Recipe Dump #1

For the last several years, the Esoteric Archive of Rochester (EAR) was my main “project.” I am passionate about very specific bits of local history, esotericism, and magic, and I’d been sorely unable to find the community I wanted to explore those topics alongside. So, I set out to start my own. However, in the way I had built it, the project was already a failure, if my goal was to actually build community.

I was, in fact, building a space (physically and metaphysically) specifically for me. However, I had done so under the guise of “community building” (which I wasn’t doing), so there was also this weird belief that all of the work I was doing wasn’t for me, actually, but for a future visitor or customer. I found myself trying to make deadlines for that customer, stressing myself out attempting to do anything to draw the people to me I wanted to talk to.

That cost money. Web hosting and membership fees (not to mention the cost of buying the actual physical books!) inspired me to attempt to crowdsource this project. I created a Patreon and invented CoNtEnT to fill it with. In attempting to monetize this personal interest, I had committed the most mortal sin I could.

And so, this topic (Western Esotericism, local history, etc.) was now unavailable to me. I had cleverly built a lovely barrier between it and me so I could surely keep it safe and sound, and also transform it into a Smart Person Business, thereby giving myself worth and legitimate purpose. Two birds, ya know?

The barrier, by the way, doesn’t only exist when I start charging people for stuff. It pops up all the time and feels like everything I do—everything that is done everywhere—is for everyone else, but not for me. I am a weird, uninvolved Other who just doesn’t get to get invested with anything here in this reality.

I realize that this all speaks to an unbalanced inner world, and that’s my point in writing this. I believe that this and other previous “business” ventures failed because I wasn’t prepared for them to succeed. Like, at all. I’m not ready today, either.

Most recently, I ran a small craft business full-time for several years, maintaining an Etsy store and traveling to local fairs and festivals to sell my wares. I was minimally successful (in that, toward the end, the business was fully paying for itself, month-to-month), but it cost me my personal interest in things like herbalism, aromatherapy, creativity, teaching, tarot, knitting, reiki, and plenty of other things that I tried to add to my “hustle.”

I felt the pull of American culture to create my own prosperity, but I found that when I put money between stuff I’m really into and other people, I feel like a fraud.

That’s why I shut down the EAR. I wanted to save myself the intense grief of burning away another hobby and hopefully allow myself to finally push through that strange barrier money invites.

I shut down the archive earlier this summer and instantly started actually reading the books I’ve been collecting. I began learning for me and in the way I wanted. I began creating space for my spiritual practice in my apartment, which gave me shockingly intense “coming out of the broom closet” vibes, despite my partner being previously aware of my interests. I started chanting and performing ritual.

And in that very simple practice, I was no longer Other. I became the intended customer. Before I knew it, I was feral with desire to learn. Business Boy went home and Forest Wizard was allowed to exist.

In that vein, I want to share, over the course of a few posts here, all my recipes from my previous craft business. Essential oil blends, herbal sachets, incense, perfumes….all kinds of lovely smell-goods that I’ve been meaning to put into a snazzy ebook and sell for $6 or something. My disgust at the thought of selling my work in the past has prevented me from sharing it at all, and that just feels like a waste. I am proud of the stuff I made, and even though I never want to do it again, I want to share my experiments with y’all.

Recipe Dump #1: Essential Oil Blends

Version 1.0 oils were mostly made from Aura Cacia (sold at my local grocery store), but Version 2.0 were mostly Aromatics International. I also frequently used Mountain Rose Herbs, and, regrettably, Young Living. “Brain Wash” was so named because I felt like smelling it cleared out all the old crap junkin up my brain. Truly, it wasn’t until I was at a fair, years into this gig, that a customer asked me if I was trying to brain wash people. I had never made the (obvious) connection!

Version 1.0 Oils

These were all blended intuitively. All I knew is that I liked the smells.

Version 2.0 Oils

These were blended after more aromatherapy and perfume education. Brain Wash 2 shows that I learned about adding base, middle, and top notes to a blend, balancing and stretching it. Fresh Start transformed into Vivace, a bright, beautiful, complex orangey-yellow scent. Full Moon is heady and woody, perfect for a ritual bath. Witch’s Brew is dark and mysterious, and makes a delicious unisex perfume.

And Two Experiments

Of course, I spent time in the mlm Young Living and, from them, learned about “Thieves Oil.” A purportedly legendary blend that French grave robbers would pour on themselves to keep from getting deadly Corpse Disease. I was trying to get into that market with my own dupe. But chasing trends only made me sleepy.

I release these recipes into the world for whatever they may be or do or become. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use them for shitty things that hurt people, but beyond that, go nuts!

Check out the other posts in this series:

• Recipe Dump #1 – Essential Oil Blends
• Recipe Dump #2 – Perfume + Anointing Oils
• Recipe Dump #3 – Candles + Wax